Girl, Interrupted

i can't believe that i'm at this place where i'm at right now.. not physically but emotionally, mentally, just all around.. all the people who i've advised against it and i'm here living it.. i'm here feeling these feelings that i never thought i would ever feel.. guess that's just life for you..

who am i not to forgive.. i'm no better than the next person.. i'm just as much of a sinner if not more.. everything happens for a reason.. some things done to you are deserved and others aren't.. how do you figure out which one is which?

here is where my heart beats

street signs like frozen flags on every corner stores galore ice-e carts lining the streets in the summer ringing bells coupled with the sounds of the ice cream truck weeds searching for sunlight through the cracks hoping no to get trampled bumper to bumper traffic nasty sewers and subways rats with wings walking amongst the madness "hair braiding miss" asked to every other sister who walks by fast-food restaurants littering the sidewalks metal worms speeding through their man-made homes carrying patrons to their destinations exhaust littering the air building towering so high they block out the sun garbage overflowing from the trash cans gum trampled a thousand times over fresh spit on the sidewalks labyrinths called projects to some alternate worlds with endless play to children talent showcased everywhere home of the great ones a stepping stone for the greater ones the melting pot here is where everyone longs to visit sidewalks filled with men catcalling eve...

i am unsure of that which the future brings .. i have nothing to look forward to as the days move forward .. no family and hardly any friends .. no employment and no hope for going to school the next day .. just that of waking up to see another day .. a day which is not promised .. unlike others i have no one to wake up to and make my heart smile .. i have no one to love me the way i feel i deserve and have earned after all this time .. some people tell me that's partially my fault and i think they're right .. but there's nothing i can do about that right now .. i'm too scared of the what if .. there is only one thing that i have to look forward to .. just that of waking up to see another day .. a day which is not promised .. isn't that something .. all i have is a day .. a day which is not promised to come .. i have no career, no possessions to wake up to ... i have no little sister's bright smile to wake up to .. no brothers .. neither a mother or father .. n...

How do I feel about you? Ugh. I feel like right now you're taking advantage of the fact that I'm a little nice right now and my emotions are just flowing. But in all honesty I feel like I'm second-guessing my love for you and if I should have told you that I loved you. Because the truth of the matter is that you're not ready for your heart to be in another serious relationship again. I don't want to be the face that you see when you think of the that transition point in your romantic life. That face of hurt, pain, and rejection. I refuse to be that face. I want to be that face that you remember and  smile about because that was a love beautiful and pure. I want to be the face that brings a smile to the heart with the memory of me .. that's what I want to be. How do I feel about you? I love you. You make me happy when I think about you. When I'm sober you make me smile and think happy thoughts. You bring forth feelings of understanding, which is what I long f...

Now this right here is a feeling I can honestly say I haven’t felt in a while. Ugh! It feels so good. I can’t explain the feeling of hands as small and as gentle as those. It’s as though they soothe my body, melt away all the tension straight through to my soul. Wonderful feeling this is. Pure and genuine as feeling come. How could something as wonderful as this be seen and classified as something so wrong? If only those who say and think such things could feel this feeling; this same feeling that I’m feeling. This feeling of gorgeous “chiney eyes” staring into my soul. A stare so warm and filled with genuine want and desire. Not desire rooted in sexual lust but desire to be intimate; intimacy filled to the brim until it overflows with emotion. This feeling of soft lips leaving kisses as gentle as whispers to the skin. Telling secrets of its wants, needs, and distant love to come with time. This feeling of a nose pressed against hot flesh breathing in its unique scent holding it in wit...