Girl, Interrupted

i can't believe that i'm at this place where i'm at right now.. not physically but emotionally, mentally, just all around.. all the people who i've advised against it and i'm here living it.. i'm here feeling these feelings that i never thought i would ever feel.. guess that's just life for you..

who am i not to forgive.. i'm no better than the next person.. i'm just as much of a sinner if not more.. everything happens for a reason.. some things done to you are deserved and others aren't.. how do you figure out which one is which?

here is where my heart beats

street signs like frozen flags on every corner stores galore ice-e carts lining the streets in the summer ringing bells coupled with the sounds of the ice cream truck weeds searching for sunlight through the cracks hoping no to get trampled bumper to bumper traffic nasty sewers and subways rats with wings walking amongst the madness "hair braiding miss" asked to every other sister who walks by fast-food restaurants littering the sidewalks metal worms speeding through their man-made homes carrying patrons to their destinations exhaust littering the air building towering so high they block out the sun garbage overflowing from the trash cans gum trampled a thousand times over fresh spit on the sidewalks labyrinths called projects to some alternate worlds with endless play to children talent showcased everywhere home of the great ones a stepping stone for the greater ones the melting pot here is where everyone longs to visit sidewalks filled with men catcalling eve...

i am unsure of that which the future brings .. i have nothing to look forward to as the days move forward .. no family and hardly any friends .. no employment and no hope for going to school the next day .. just that of waking up to see another day .. a day which is not promised .. unlike others i have no one to wake up to and make my heart smile .. i have no one to love me the way i feel i deserve and have earned after all this time .. some people tell me that's partially my fault and i think they're right .. but there's nothing i can do about that right now .. i'm too scared of the what if .. there is only one thing that i have to look forward to .. just that of waking up to see another day .. a day which is not promised .. isn't that something .. all i have is a day .. a day which is not promised to come .. i have no career, no possessions to wake up to ... i have no little sister's bright smile to wake up to .. no brothers .. neither a mother or father .. n...

How do I feel about you? Ugh. I feel like right now you're taking advantage of the fact that I'm a little nice right now and my emotions are just flowing. But in all honesty I feel like I'm second-guessing my love for you and if I should have told you that I loved you. Because the truth of the matter is that you're not ready for your heart to be in another serious relationship again. I don't want to be the face that you see when you think of the that transition point in your romantic life. That face of hurt, pain, and rejection. I refuse to be that face. I want to be that face that you remember and  smile about because that was a love beautiful and pure. I want to be the face that brings a smile to the heart with the memory of me .. that's what I want to be. How do I feel about you? I love you. You make me happy when I think about you. When I'm sober you make me smile and think happy thoughts. You bring forth feelings of understanding, which is what I long f...

Now this right here is a feeling I can honestly say I haven’t felt in a while. Ugh! It feels so good. I can’t explain the feeling of hands as small and as gentle as those. It’s as though they soothe my body, melt away all the tension straight through to my soul. Wonderful feeling this is. Pure and genuine as feeling come. How could something as wonderful as this be seen and classified as something so wrong? If only those who say and think such things could feel this feeling; this same feeling that I’m feeling. This feeling of gorgeous “chiney eyes” staring into my soul. A stare so warm and filled with genuine want and desire. Not desire rooted in sexual lust but desire to be intimate; intimacy filled to the brim until it overflows with emotion. This feeling of soft lips leaving kisses as gentle as whispers to the skin. Telling secrets of its wants, needs, and distant love to come with time. This feeling of a nose pressed against hot flesh breathing in its unique scent holding it in wit...

I swear it is as though some people just don’t have anything better to do than sit on your Facebook page and read your updates and then turn them into something that they aren’t. For example I was on Facebook on the 27th and wrote “some people are sorry excuses for parents... I don’t know why they choose not to wear condoms. They would save a lot of children headaches and heartaches.” Or something to that extent. I don’t really remember because I took it down. My little sister’s mother commented on it and stated that she “knew who I was talking about” even though I wasn’t talking about anyone in particular. Just today my grandmother called me asking me what I wrote online talking about my father and something about his ex-wife. Now at first I didn’t know what the hell she could have possibly been talking about. So of course I went and looked on my Facebook profile to find out what she was talking about and I stumbled on the status message. All I could do was shake my head. Ironica...

all i want is a someone to hold me gently console me to show me that to him i mean the world all i ask for is honesty allow me to trust thee to never question the answers he gives me all i long for is comfort and love i long for the things i was starved of all i ask for i someone genuine someone i can let into my heart and mind someone who understands that im gonna need time rome wasnt built in a day and neither was the damage done to me mentally over the years i need someone who will be there through those hard days need someone to be there at night to wipe away the tears to rock the me thru the fears to assure me that no matter what he'll always be here

takes the slightest act of thoughtfulness or caring nature to get into my heart and make your home there hidden behind false pretences revealed of my own accord feed off of my unknowingly false love for you my longing never to feel alone until one day I’ve finally come to realize after it’s too late after ignoring the obvious signs of the truth ignoring and convincing myself I’m not seeing convincing until the lie becomes reality intil I’m shocked into remembering the truth you used me because I was vulnerable

I was doing this assignment for my Social Work class a little earlier. There was an exercise asking how we felt when we come in contact with or say other people who were "different." The assignment specifically asked about elderly people in wheelchairs, people with developmental and mental diseases or impairments, and lastly same sex couples. I thought it interesting that same sex couples was one of their choices. I mean, yes we all know that homosexuality is a much argued topic, it was just interesting to me that they saved it for last; why not put is first? What do I think when I see two people of the same sex walking down the street. I don't think much other than lucky for them, at least they have someone. For me to look at them and turn my nose up at them would be me being a hypocrite. For just a year or two ago I was that couple. I was walking down the street with my girlfriend. Who am I to judge? That is the question that I ask myself when I see things that are out ...

I've been thinking, maybe the reason that I don’t mind talking to guys that are in relationships already is because I know that there isn't going to be anything really that's going to come from it. I know that they aren't going to leave the ones that they are with for me and even if they do I know that there will always be the possibility that they are going to leave me for someone else that comes along. It's as though I want all the perks of being in a relationship, but now with a single person and not with the title of the relationship. It still doesn't seem to make sense though. I always talk about how I want a relationship and I want someone that I can call my own, so why is it that I'm dealing with other people's significant others and turning down the ones that actually want to be with me? There is so much that I want out of life, but I'm so messed up that I don't know how to go about getting it. That perfect person for me could come along ...