Girl, Interrupted

I am the reflection  of distorted hideousness  in dirty,  broken  mirrors.  Salt-stained cheeks  and bloodshot eyes.  Tear-stained pillows.  Suicidal thoughts.  Visions of liquor  chasing pills  and soon  succeeding.  I am the black sheep,  the runt of the litter.  Born of the same breed,  yet imperfectly cut from  perfection’s cloth.  I am the shame-filled secret kept  by those who lay their heads on clouds of glory.  The bleeding heart so  badly broken  it seems beyond repair.  I am the sad,  broken child  so unaware of her worth  she sells herself  for less than she deserves.  I am the fatherless daughter searching  without ceasing  for the love I’ve never known.

There are just some things that people shouldn't be exposed to in life. Certain things that makes a person's heart cold and hard after dealing with the experience. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The reality of the matter is that if it doesn't kill you it leaves a subconscious imprint on your psyche and remains a part of you for as long as you let it, subconsciously or otherwise. There are certain experiences in life that have left me bitter. Experiences I've lived through that have me it hard for me to trust and believe, hard for me to let myself fall with my eyes closed and wait for someone, that certain and special one, to catch me. These experiences have made it hard for me to truly love and truly fall in love. They've diluted and distorted my knowledge of what love truly is. Exposure to these life experiences have shown me the bitterness that's out there and led me to believe that that's all there is, all there will ever be at...

It’s like sometimes there is just so much going on in your life and you just need to get a high just to level it out just enough. In that moment it’s as though nothing exists [you’re right at the beginning again and nothing is the matter] . Sometimes you’re just down so low that you feel like you’re all the way at the bottom and you need, even if it’s just for a simple moment, to feel everything was all right. I have those moments. I feel as though I’m having one of those moments right now. This stuff that I’m going through is hard. It may not be hard for others, but it’s hard for me. I can’t believe that I’m feeling like this about this side of my family that I knew nothing, but the feeling of love from. I remember I used to sit in my house when I was staying with my mother and I would cry. I would cry because felt as though my mother didn't love me and I cried just to be with those other people; those people who I knew would just embrace me and surround me in love. It’s as t...

Too many tired days and sleepless nights. It’s almost as thought something haunts me in my dreams to the point where my subconscious refuses to let me sleep. Interesting yet creepy to think of. Surviving off close to an hour of sleep; unhealthy. I’m unable to focus long enough to finish the things I start. Tasks that once upon a time seemed so simple are so complex to me now. I make decisions that I can’t seem to stick to and start routines I can’t seem to stick with. Look at what I have become; of what has become of me. Is this the same person I once was? Is this the me I have always been? Was I just hiding away awaiting the perfect time? I do not know. I don’t seem to know the answer to anything anymore. I just seem to be a huge head full of questions, and half-ass answers, confusion and clouds, paranoia and uncertainty.

To whom it may concern:                 You’re right about what you said the other day, I am a good woman. Any man would be lucky to have me in his life. Unfortunately I’ve come to realize that man is not you. As much as I wanted so badly for it to be; it’s not. Want to know something? I’m perfectly fine with that.                 You and I are on two different pages in life. I feel as though you’re lost somewhere amongst the letters trying to find the chapter to which you belong. I’ve found the exact location in the chapter to which I belong and am eagerly awaiting the page to turn. I’ve been trying my best to await your arrival, for you to claim your spot next to me on these pages, but I see that day will probably never come. I can no longer hold on.             ...

I lay here in this bed with a million and one thoughts going through my head. Questions on top of questions. Stresses on top of stresses. All I want is for them all to vanish into thin air. I’ve come to realize that I try too hard, love too strong, care too much, and am too loyal; especially to those who do not deserve the slightest bit of my loyalty. I open up my heart to the wrong ones. The ones who don’t have the slightest clue how to care for one as fragile as mine. So they drop it on the floor and leave me to pick up the shards and broken pieces. I long for a love that I will never find in the places I’ve subconsciously been searching, settling for less that I well know I deserve. I’ve spent so much time and energy showing the wrong ones that I’m the right one. Spending hours and days trying to solve an inequality; knowing both sides will never be equal, but nonetheless forcing this triangle into the circle hoping like a fool it would sooner or later fit. I devote my time and atte...