Girl, Interrupted

its been a while since i've fallen asleep to your voice

Two more days until I leave for Basic Training. I can't believe that I actually joined the military. Well, I joined the Army National Guard for clarification purposes. Who would have ever thought? It's all for a better future, a better life, a better me. It's not at all going to be easy, but I know that when everything is said and done that I am going to be proud of myself, no matter who is not proud of me. I know that the choices that I am starting to make for myself are good ones. There are some people who may not believe that joining the military is a step in the right direction, but ask them what they know about the military. Ask them what they feel the military is about? The first thing that people ask me when I tell them that I joined the military is, "Why?" My response to them is simply, "Why not?" They in return tell me that the military is going to send me to war. Is that suppose to scar me or something? I mean technically there are wars going o...

I do not want to put time and energy into something that I feel will not last. I do not want to take the time out of my life to devote myself to someone who in the end will not be there. I do not want to put myself out there and be hurt again. I am tired of hurting. My heart is bleeding out slowly through the cracks with every beat it makes. I do not feel that there is anyone out there that deserves my time and attention. Is it wrong to feel this way? I know that it is not healthy to go through life alone because I am afraid of hurt, afraid of pain, afraid of being vulnerable. I tell it to those people close to me going through similar situations. It is easy for me to tell them that because I know that it is true. Yet it is hard for me to practice it. I try, believe me I do, but at the end of the day I get the same results over and over again. Heartache, pain, sadness, and loneliness. I am tired of feeling those emotions time and time again. I wish that someone would just come along an...

I WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE. NO MATTER WHETHER OR NOT I'M SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE I'M ALWAYS ALONE. I'M ALONE BECAUSE NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ME. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE MY MIND, INSIDE MY HEART. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW THE PAIN I FEEL INSIDE. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW THE TEARS I'VE CRIED AND AM STILL CRYING. THE PAIN THAT I FEEL IS UNBEARABLE YET I STILL WALK WITH THIS HEAVY LOAD ON MY SHOULDERS WHILE KEEPING MY HEAD AS HIGH AS I POSSIBLY COULD. TRYING MY BEST TO MOVE FORWARD DAY BY DAY WITHOUT LETTING ANYONE SEE HOW MUCH I'M HURTING. I WALK AROUND CARRYING MY BURDEN, MY CURSE, WEARING A MASK THAT NO ONE CAN SEE THROUGH. AT TIMES I BEGIN TO SLOWLY REMOVE IT, BUT THEN I REALIZE THAT I CANNOT, I MUST NOT. I HAVE TO KEEP EVERYTHING INSIDE. THESE PEOPLE DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME. CAN I EVEN TRUST THEM WITH MY SECRETS? CAN I TRUST THEM ENOUGH TO LET MY GUARD DOWN AND TO BECOME VULNERABLE? CAN I TRUST THEM NOT TO USE ME AND ABUSE ME?...

it's hard when you're with someone who claims that they love you but not only do they not understand you, you're ways and reasons for thinking the and acting the way you do, but they also do not accept you for who you are. it's hard when you love someone who is not telling you how they honestly feel, who isn't telling you that they love you, who isn't telling you everything that they're feeling but will go back and tell someone else. it's hard to love someone who makes you feel as though nothing you do is and will ever be good enough because it's not the same as the person who came before you that they compare everyone else to as a standard. it's hard when you say you love someone and they tell you some shit about how they compare all their new girlfriends to their ex. what kind of shit is that? how do they expect you to feel? there are times in my life where i find someone that i think i'm happy with, s...