Girl, Interrupted

love ləv/ noun 1 . an intense feeling of deep affection. "babies fill parents with intense feelings of love" 2 . a person or thing that one loves. "she was  the love of his life " verb 1 . feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone). "do you love me?" This is how the dictionary defines love. A feeling an attraction, but is that what love is to everyone? Can it be more? Is it more? Everyone thinks of love differently while some aren't even able to find the words to describe it at all. To some, it's just such an intense and overwhelming feeling that no amount of words would be able to do it the slightest bit of justice.  Love is one of those things I've felt more than words can describe, but I see love in things. That's the way I describe it more than anything. Love is feelings and actions. Love is vulnerability. Love is compassion and forgiveness. Love is free of judg...

People come in and out of my life all the time. You’d think that at this point I’d be used to it all. Sadly, I’m not. I always hold the people I meet closer to my heart than need be. I get so attached to them that when they betray me or my trust it’s like a stone being thrown at my bare heart. One of the most painful feelings in the world. They’ve abandoned me. Like many people before them and, in my head, many people after them will. That’s a feeling that I can’t take. It’s like I NEED to know why. I need to know why they left. I need them to tell me. I need them to come back and explain to me what I did wrong. I need them to explain to me why I wasn’t good enough for them to stick around. What was wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why doesn’t anyone stay? I’ve spent so many years of my life feeling as though I’m inadequate. Too many years to be exact. It’s as though I’ve always been some sort of defective that people seem to be able to see on my face. Is it written on m...

A lot of times we tend to not realize the positions we put ourselves in when we make decisions during our lowest and most vulnerable states. We don't see to what extend we are devaluing ourselves. We don't recognize that in doing so we show others it's okay to devalue us as well. It's so hard to break out of that cycle sometimes because the feeling can last longer than we anticipate and our actions become so habitual that it's so hard for us to break the cycle. The cycle has not only become our comfort zone, but the norm we have created for ourselves.

It’s four in the morning and I’m still wide awake. Well, I guess the Bible was right, there’s no peace for the wicked. I guess I should consider that a sign. Consider that He sees my heart and although good lives there it isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to save me or to make me pure. It isn’t enough to allow me to pass over into righteousness. I guess that explains it all, I am the wicked. Explains the failed relationship after failed relationship. Explains why everything, everyone good in my life leaves or I ruin… or both. There is no peace for the wicked. Here I was thinking it was insomnia. Nope, just my wickedness keeping me awake in my most dreary moments. Forbidding me for resting because rest is a luxury of the righteous I suppose. Or could it be the righteous parts of me dueling with the wicked. Who will emerge the victor? Of that I am unsure, but if I heed the Bible’s word the answer is surely clear. 

Too much faith and trust in people. Sometimes, most times, that’s usually the issue. We give people things they don’t deserve and haven’t even began to earn. We allow people to feel as though they have power over us that they shouldn’t and bend to their will when we shouldn’t. Too many times we do this and go out of our way for individuals who wouldn’t even hold the door open for us or even say “Bless you” when you sneeze only to get nothing back in return, but the sound “I told you so” and “you’re foolish” whispered in the breeze. The universe’s way of reminding you of how naïve, gullible, and simply idiotic you were for believing that would have ended any other way. They say there’s someone out there for everyone, I’m starting to believe that’s just some fairy tale nonsense they tell people to make them feel less bad about themselves being lonely; spreading false hope to the masses. Just tell me there’s no one for me and that’s I’m destined to live life as a lone...