I've been thinking, maybe the reason that I don’t mind talking to guys that are in relationships already is because I know that there isn't going to be anything really that's going to come from it. I know that they aren't going to leave the ones that they are with for me and even if they do I know that there will always be the possibility that they are going to leave me for someone else that comes along. It's as though I want all the perks of being in a relationship, but now with a single person and not with the title of the relationship. It still doesn't seem to make sense though. I always talk about how I want a relationship and I want someone that I can call my own, so why is it that I'm dealing with other people's significant others and turning down the ones that actually want to be with me?

There is so much that I want out of life, but I'm so messed up that I don't know how to go about getting it. That perfect person for me could come along right now and I probably would turn him down or brush him off rather for some reason unbeknownst to me. All because right about now I'm at this point where I don't trust people and I in a sense refuse to trust people. How did I get this way? I haven't the slightest idea, but I'm here and right now all I want to know is how to get out of this place.

My dream is to find a man that makes me feel wonderful, that I can make feel wonderful. I want to start a family of my own. I want to get married. I want to be as happy as I can be living the life that I live. I want to wake up to a husband that everyday makes me feel like it's the first day of the rest of our lives together. I want to wake up to a wonderful child or children even that make me feel like there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for them. I want to wake up to children and a husband who appreciate me for everything that I do for them and that make me feel as special and important as they are to me.

A part of me feels as though I am never going to find that person that I'm dreaming about finding and spending the rest of my life with. The biggest thing that gets me is that everyone else around me seems to be doing so much better than me. I look around at people that I consider and used to consider friends, people that I work with, and people in general and I see them living their lives with less stress and a lot more happiness than myself. I see them with their husbands, their children. It makes me wonder if I'm really not supposed to get married and have children. I joke about it from time to time, but I never thought it could really be the truth. I never stopped and thought that I may actually spend the rest of my life alone and lonely looking for something that will never come because it isn't meant to come.

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