a mother's love

unconditional .. that's the only word that can be used to describe it .. she chose to keep me .. nine months are carrying me around and hours of labor .. she chose to keep me .. at first though she could not raise me .. i was unaware of where mommy was .. I don't even recollect too much if anything from those beginning years .. but one thing I was sure of was that mommy wasn't there .. when mommy came .. so did change .. the soft earth and sand was replaced by hard concrete .. small homes were replaced by concrete labyrinths called projects .. huge towers of steel, concrete, and glass now stood all around me .. tress galore were replaced by trucks specifically placed in the ground and metal poles with lights and street signs .. when my mother came for me so did change .. then i guess she felt that once again she couldn't handle motherhood .. so she fled again .. but this time i wasn't alone .. i had a little brother to worry about .. then one day mommy felt like she was ready .. and of course .. when mommy came .. so did change .. back home but no longer with the friends i had remembered .. things had changed in the short period of time i had been gone .. time to start new .. new faces same places .. at least not all things had changed .. time passed and I realized that there was something changing about mommy and the way she loved me .. she was beating me more and more ... i don't know what it was about me but it was as though she hated me .. hated something about me so much that any time i did wrong it seemed to be amplified and so was her anger .. i couldn't understand it though .. what had i done that was so horrible for my mother to treat me  so .. years passed .. and the beatings didn’t cease .. some days were better than others .. some didn't hurt as bad or weren't as long .. i was starting to become numb to the pain and slowly starting to hate my mother .. it was only fair since she hated me .. i soon became the Cinderella .. i did it all .. all the while everyone say and enjoyed their free time .. anything that went wrong was no one else's fault but mine .. and mine alone .. i began to rebel .. i was tired .. i didn't understand what it was that would make a woman treat her only child so bad .. i began making money and looking for the love that my parents starved me of in the arms of others .. later on arms turned into laps .. my childhood fascination with the female body grew into a hunger that I fed with ease .. the hunger coupled with the stress and abuse slowly pushed me closer and closer to the edge.. so i left .. a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional and that wasn't the type of love that i was getting .. i was tired of the abuse .. i had taken my last blow .. leaving is the easy part .. surviving on your own is the struggle .. days without food became somewhat of a norm for me .. times got hard and feeding two stomachs off one plate became my reality .. i need an escape from it though .. an escape from the reality that i was livin in full of hurt, pain, stress, hunger, and depression.. nights filled with emptiness .. i turned to mother nature .. she lead me to the clouds .. for months the clouds were my resting place .. mother nature and alcohol were all that i needed .. anything to mask the hurt and pain that i was feeling .. anything to take me away if only simply for a moment .. into the clouds .. my mother's love wasn't too close by then .. but after some time it was a mother's love that put a momentary meal in my stomach because she knew that at the end of the day I was her daughter .. and all i needed was my mother's love .. it took time for her to see past me and what i had turned to for myself and my life .. but she looked past that and saw the hurt and struggling image of that little girl she carried for nine months .. that little girl who she loved enough to send to the one person she knew would care for her unconditionally until she was better able to do it on her own .. a mother's love is something so beautiful and pure .. when everyone else gives up on you your mother is the one that in the end is there .. and to this day through all my ups and downs .. through all my hard times .. through all my family disappointments my mother is there at the end of the day .. to be that shoulder to lean on and cry on .. the ear to listen .. when i need them all the most .. a mother's love