11.07.17

People come in and out of my life all the time. You’d think that at this point I’d be used to it all. Sadly, I’m not. I always hold the people I meet closer to my heart than need be. I get so attached to them that when they betray me or my trust it’s like a stone being thrown at my bare heart. One of the most painful feelings in the world. They’ve abandoned me. Like many people before them and, in my head, many people after them will. That’s a feeling that I can’t take. It’s like I NEED to know why. I need to know why they left. I need them to tell me. I need them to come back and explain to me what I did wrong. I need them to explain to me why I wasn’t good enough for them to stick around. What was wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why doesn’t anyone stay?

I’ve spent so many years of my life feeling as though I’m inadequate. Too many years to be exact. It’s as though I’ve always been some sort of defective that people seem to be able to see on my face. Is it written on my forehead? Is there some kind of secret circle where guys talk about the women they’ve dealt with in order to let them know who’s worth it and who isn’t? Is there a list that the put together with the defective girls on one side and the functional ones on the other? The defective ones are just good for fucking and fucking over. They aren’t girls you take seriously or try to commit to. Those are the girls who you can just run through and run over and who like puppy dogs are going to stick around because they’re so damaged they can’t see just how damaged they are.

It’s crazy. To be damaged for so long you’re so used to seeing the damaged you that it seems normal. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been doing some serious work on myself and my emotional state. I can certainly tell the difference, but there are just some places I can’t reach just yet. There are some places I can’t reach. Some places where the damage is so deep that I’ve only began to touch the surface of it. There are places so damaged that I can’t mend them on my own. Where do I turn for help though? Who can I trust to help me mend those damaged places and not have ulterior motives? Not fix me enough so that I’m fixed, yet damaged enough for them to still control me and my thoughts?

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