"... and I be gettin' high just to balance out my lows..."

It’s like sometimes there is just so much going on in your life and you just need to get a high just to level it out just enough. In that moment it’s as though nothing exists [you’re right at the beginning again and nothing is the matter] . Sometimes you’re just down so low that you feel like you’re all the way at the bottom and you need, even if it’s just for a simple moment, to feel everything was all right. I have those moments. I feel as though I’m having one of those moments right now.

This stuff that I’m going through is hard. It may not be hard for others, but it’s hard for me. I can’t believe that I’m feeling like this about this side of my family that I knew nothing, but the feeling of love from. I remember I used to sit in my house when I was staying with my mother and I would cry. I would cry because felt as though my mother didn't love me and I cried just to be with those other people; those people who I knew would just embrace me and surround me in love.

It’s as though I came here and everything is the complete opposite. I’m not feeling the love I thought they had for me all because I grew up to be something they didn't expect. I was different from what they expected as well as the type of person they envisioned me to be. I had different thoughts that they frowned upon, different beliefs, attitudes, and approaches towards things. I wasn't the norm and in their minds that wasn't good. They thought that I would change with time and when they saw that I didn't, they tried different ways “to mold me”. But I am resilient to change. I do not want to become a different me. I love this me. It’s the modern me, with modern beliefs and an old-school flare that is needed in this day and age. Why can’t I remain “Simply the Same ‘Ole Me”?

A lot of times I feel that these people whom I love so much fail to realize that if they give me time and space to make mistakes and adjust to things in my way then I can change. The crazy thing about it is that I would change for them just enough to remain me to myself and be the person that they want me to be for them when I’m in the public representing them. They don’t see that my love is that strong for them. It’s not like I tell them. Then again emotions in this family are something like taboo. It requires pulling too many tough teeth for people to show and express that thing called emotion in my family. Everyone has to display this strong persona to everyone on the outside looking in. Behind closed doors they deal with their issues. They fail to realize that we are all human and we all have problems. That doesn't mean that you act all weak because you have problems, just means that we know that there are things going on in our lives and we are just like everyone else, it’s okay to feel.

I just feel like nothing out here. I feel like nothing and I feel like nothing I do is right. It is what it is though. I’m tired. I’m taking time to adjust and no one seem to see that. I can’t force anyone to see anything. People ask me why I’m always so angry about these situations and it’s not that I’m angry it’s that I’m so passionate about it and because I have a feelings with my emotions I don’t know how to show it. I don’t want to make these people more embarrassed of me though. The Hector Family Screw-up. The Other Family Member: the one that people don’t talk about. The story that gets swept under the rug like nothing even happened and the person didn't even exist. If that’s what will make these people that I love happy, and back to their normal life, then that’s what it’s going to have to be. I will have to do this and leave their lives uninterrupted.

There seems to be only one solution. I guess that just means that I am going to have to leave. I cannot stay here. It’s not like I can just move to this part of town where no one comes until people forget about me. Live my life as that one person no one can seem to put a finger on because it’s been so long. Become the town, or in this case island, secret. That secret that only the older generation know about and take to the grave. The secret that the younger kids long to learn. The truth behind the whispers and stares. Either that or I move away and let it just remain as such; whispers and stares.

And this is just

ONE

of my lows…