2 Train Thoughts

There are just some things that people shouldn't be exposed to in life. Certain things that makes a person's heart cold and hard after dealing with the experience. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The reality of the matter is that if it doesn't kill you it leaves a subconscious imprint on your psyche and remains a part of you for as long as you let it, subconsciously or otherwise.

There are certain experiences in life that have left me bitter. Experiences I've lived through that have me it hard for me to trust and believe, hard for me to let myself fall with my eyes closed and wait for someone, that certain and special one, to catch me. These experiences have made it hard for me to truly love and truly fall in love. They've diluted and distorted my knowledge of what love truly is. Exposure to these life experiences have shown me the bitterness that's out there and led me to believe that that's all there is, all there will ever be at the end of the day. Or come to think that everyone who says they love me will at the end of the day either hurt me, leave me, or both. That's no way for a person to think. No way for a female to live her life. Those feelings and thoughts will lead me down a road of nothing but loneliness.

I look back at my life and can count the numerous blessings I've been handed and let slip through my fingers. I can see the numerous amounts of times God sat there and handed me the love and happiness I yearn for every second or every minute of every day. All those gifts of love I passed up and took for granted because of what the experiences I had been through have taught me. Now I sit here, alone, bitter, with a heart cold and hard as stone. I sit here wondering if God has gotten tired of handing me blessings only to sit back and watch me spit on them.

At the end of the day all I want, all I've ever wanted, was and is to be happy. I want someone I can love unconditionally and who will love me back. I want someone who will understand that my past history with love and relationships and life in general haven't been the best and will be patient with me. Someone who will know to comfort me at nights when I feel so overwhelmed with my past and my life that I cry myself to sleep.

I want someone who won't be so rough with me, but gentle because they understand that my heart is fragile. I want someone who is willing to stick beside me during those moments when my insecurities get the best of me, when I start to feel like I'm worthless, when I start to get scared and begin to do things I push them away. I want someone who will love me enough to push back, not to allow me to push them away. Someone who is willing to demolish every wall I attempt to build because of a fear I've brought with me from my past.

I want someone who will never make me feel as though I'm simply an option in their life. I want someone who will always make me feel as though I was and will always be their first choice, someone who will love me every day no less than the first day. I want someone who will never make me feel as though there are other women auditioning for my role.