RELATIONSHIP ???
I do not want to put time and energy into something that I feel will not last. I do not want to take the time out of my life to devote myself to someone who in the end will not be there. I do not want to put myself out there and be hurt again. I am tired of hurting. My heart is bleeding out slowly through the cracks with every beat it makes. I do not feel that there is anyone out there that deserves my time and attention. Is it wrong to feel this way?
I know that it is not healthy to go through life alone because I am afraid of hurt, afraid of pain, afraid of being vulnerable. I tell it to those people close to me going through similar situations. It is easy for me to tell them that because I know that it is true. Yet it is hard for me to practice it. I try, believe me I do, but at the end of the day I get the same results over and over again. Heartache, pain, sadness, and loneliness. I am tired of feeling those emotions time and time again.
I wish that someone would just come along and rescue me from this all. I want someone to just come and sweep me off my feet. Show me that there is someone out there for me that can understand me, love me, appreciate me, and just be there for me when I am going through my rough times. Someone I can be there for in return to love, care for, treat like a king, without running the risk of ultimately being hurt in the end. I am saying that I want all this, but how can I have this, how can I find this, if I am giving up on it all?
It is not like there are not men out there making offers. The question is, how true are they? How sincere are the promises that they make? How can I be so sure that they are really going to be there for me, be faithful to me, and be the man that I need them to be? The sad thing is that I cannot tell all this by looking at them. The only way to tell is to give them a chance. Ugh! I do not want to give anyone a chance and then have everything backfire in my face. I do not want to give someone a chance and then have them end up using me in the end. I do not want to be with someone thinking that they love me and are faithful only to find out that they are out there having sex with Sera, Ashley, Tiffany, and who ever else. That would kill me. I do not want to be with someone, telling all my friends and family about how much I love them only to find out that they are only with me to have sex with me and that is that. Men are trifling creatures.
UGH!!! Why is it that things cannot just be so much easier? Why is it that I cannot be able to just look at someone and be able to tell that they are a keeper, that they are sincere? Then again that would take the "fun" out of things would it not? Why is it that I cannot seem to find someone who wants to be with me for me? I need someone who will love me unconditionally. Maybe I'm just looking in all the wrong places, at all that wrong things, and at all the wrong times. They do say that the one for you is usually the last person you expect it to be. The one for you is usually someone that you overlook everyday. It could be the guy on your job that always says "Good Morning" with a smile. It could be the neighbor that brings your mail to your door when it accidentally gets placed in his box instead of leaving it in the lobby. The perfect person for you could be anyone. Hmph. Great. The perfect person could be anyone. How do I know that I have not already passed this person? If I have not already passed him by how do I know who he is?
I am so scared to get into another relationship and just get my heart broken. I have had my heart broken too many times to count. It hurts, especially when you really believe that you have found someone or something wonderful. I have had some really messed up things happen to me in terms of relationships. I have had the boyfriends cheat on me and put the female they were cheating with on the phone. I have had the love of my life tell me that he was still in love with his ex/ex baby mother and break up with me because of it. I have had my ex tell me that there wasn't nothing going on with the ex-girl only to find a conversation with the two of them talking about how they love and miss each other and how they wanted to meet up and have sex when I wasn't around. I have been humiliated in public by the one I love. I have just been made to feel like shit on numerous occasions by men and females alike, more men than females of course. I have had people that I considered to be my rock and my support just up and leave me like I was not worth anything. Too many hurtful memories. Arguments, fights, altercations, humiliation, and much, much more.
So, I fear relationships. I fear heartache and the pain of losing someone that you thought you had strong feelings for, losing someone that you love, someone that you were in love with. I fear my heartbreaking again. I fear falling into a deeper darker depression that I have already been in. I fear falling in love with someone only to have them tear my heart from my chest. I pour myself into my relationships. I give my all to the person that I am with. I devote myself to them totally. I make sure that no matter what they are okay, they are happy, they know that I care about them and that they are the one person who means a lot to me. That is my downfall. I love them so much and care about them so much that I start to forget about caring about me. I start to forget about doing for me. But they do not see that and if they do then they do not care because they are getting what they want so they could care less about me. All they know is that they're good and that whatever they want or need they can get it from me. [Shake My Head]
Where are all the good men? I know that they are out there. It is just a matter of where. I can ask this question until I turn blue in the face because there is something that I have to come to realize before I can find myself a good man. Before God sends me the right person for me I have to get myself together. I have to be able to be a good woman for him. I need to learn to love myself more. I need to learn how to love him without forgetting about loving myself. You cannot love someone without loving yourself first, neither can someone love you if you do not love yourself. I have to realize that devotion is a wonderful thing, but one should not devote himself to someone in such excess. The only person that we should devote ourselves to in such a manner is God. He deserves our complete and utter devotion.
So, I guess my good man is out there somewhere waiting for me, his good woman. But for right now we are living the single life because we obviously are not ready to be one. There are obviously things that are preventing us from being together that need to be worked on. I guess I can deal with that and come to an understanding. There is a time for everything. Blessings shower down when they are meant to and everything happens in the time that it is suppose to. Such is life and I would not ask for it any other way.
I know that it is not healthy to go through life alone because I am afraid of hurt, afraid of pain, afraid of being vulnerable. I tell it to those people close to me going through similar situations. It is easy for me to tell them that because I know that it is true. Yet it is hard for me to practice it. I try, believe me I do, but at the end of the day I get the same results over and over again. Heartache, pain, sadness, and loneliness. I am tired of feeling those emotions time and time again.
I wish that someone would just come along and rescue me from this all. I want someone to just come and sweep me off my feet. Show me that there is someone out there for me that can understand me, love me, appreciate me, and just be there for me when I am going through my rough times. Someone I can be there for in return to love, care for, treat like a king, without running the risk of ultimately being hurt in the end. I am saying that I want all this, but how can I have this, how can I find this, if I am giving up on it all?
It is not like there are not men out there making offers. The question is, how true are they? How sincere are the promises that they make? How can I be so sure that they are really going to be there for me, be faithful to me, and be the man that I need them to be? The sad thing is that I cannot tell all this by looking at them. The only way to tell is to give them a chance. Ugh! I do not want to give anyone a chance and then have everything backfire in my face. I do not want to give someone a chance and then have them end up using me in the end. I do not want to be with someone thinking that they love me and are faithful only to find out that they are out there having sex with Sera, Ashley, Tiffany, and who ever else. That would kill me. I do not want to be with someone, telling all my friends and family about how much I love them only to find out that they are only with me to have sex with me and that is that. Men are trifling creatures.
UGH!!! Why is it that things cannot just be so much easier? Why is it that I cannot be able to just look at someone and be able to tell that they are a keeper, that they are sincere? Then again that would take the "fun" out of things would it not? Why is it that I cannot seem to find someone who wants to be with me for me? I need someone who will love me unconditionally. Maybe I'm just looking in all the wrong places, at all that wrong things, and at all the wrong times. They do say that the one for you is usually the last person you expect it to be. The one for you is usually someone that you overlook everyday. It could be the guy on your job that always says "Good Morning" with a smile. It could be the neighbor that brings your mail to your door when it accidentally gets placed in his box instead of leaving it in the lobby. The perfect person for you could be anyone. Hmph. Great. The perfect person could be anyone. How do I know that I have not already passed this person? If I have not already passed him by how do I know who he is?
I am so scared to get into another relationship and just get my heart broken. I have had my heart broken too many times to count. It hurts, especially when you really believe that you have found someone or something wonderful. I have had some really messed up things happen to me in terms of relationships. I have had the boyfriends cheat on me and put the female they were cheating with on the phone. I have had the love of my life tell me that he was still in love with his ex/ex baby mother and break up with me because of it. I have had my ex tell me that there wasn't nothing going on with the ex-girl only to find a conversation with the two of them talking about how they love and miss each other and how they wanted to meet up and have sex when I wasn't around. I have been humiliated in public by the one I love. I have just been made to feel like shit on numerous occasions by men and females alike, more men than females of course. I have had people that I considered to be my rock and my support just up and leave me like I was not worth anything. Too many hurtful memories. Arguments, fights, altercations, humiliation, and much, much more.
So, I fear relationships. I fear heartache and the pain of losing someone that you thought you had strong feelings for, losing someone that you love, someone that you were in love with. I fear my heartbreaking again. I fear falling into a deeper darker depression that I have already been in. I fear falling in love with someone only to have them tear my heart from my chest. I pour myself into my relationships. I give my all to the person that I am with. I devote myself to them totally. I make sure that no matter what they are okay, they are happy, they know that I care about them and that they are the one person who means a lot to me. That is my downfall. I love them so much and care about them so much that I start to forget about caring about me. I start to forget about doing for me. But they do not see that and if they do then they do not care because they are getting what they want so they could care less about me. All they know is that they're good and that whatever they want or need they can get it from me. [Shake My Head]
Where are all the good men? I know that they are out there. It is just a matter of where. I can ask this question until I turn blue in the face because there is something that I have to come to realize before I can find myself a good man. Before God sends me the right person for me I have to get myself together. I have to be able to be a good woman for him. I need to learn to love myself more. I need to learn how to love him without forgetting about loving myself. You cannot love someone without loving yourself first, neither can someone love you if you do not love yourself. I have to realize that devotion is a wonderful thing, but one should not devote himself to someone in such excess. The only person that we should devote ourselves to in such a manner is God. He deserves our complete and utter devotion.
So, I guess my good man is out there somewhere waiting for me, his good woman. But for right now we are living the single life because we obviously are not ready to be one. There are obviously things that are preventing us from being together that need to be worked on. I guess I can deal with that and come to an understanding. There is a time for everything. Blessings shower down when they are meant to and everything happens in the time that it is suppose to. Such is life and I would not ask for it any other way.
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